Grammys for every gram of song

‘One for the Slumdog, one for the Millionaire….adding to two for the road’ says the West in feting a film that shows India’s financial capital as a beautifully festering sore. What happened at the Oscars has happened again, and will be repeated at the Granny’s award.

A song showing a group dance at the Victoria Terminal, the very spot where Kasab and his killer cohort let loose automatic gunfire at unsuspecting Indian passengers, symbolizes India… Forget 26/11…even if it was bad it only cleaned up a rotten city!

What was till now a land of snake charmers, loitering jumbos and sprawling slums, is repackaged in the persona of an unlikely Michael Jackson of India cinema. It’s insane, as twin Grammy recipient A.R.Rahman said, but there is a method in the madness of those kissing him all over. They never met such a cuddly Khan till now!

And so, not only the nimble-fingered Zakir and phenomenal Amjad Ali Khan get pipped at the post of western approval, but also with retrospective effect melody kings like Madan Mohan, Naushad, Sachin Dev Burman, Sri Ramachandra and Shanker Jaikishen in the north and C. R. Subburaman, G. Ramanathan, K. V. Mahadeven, Viswanathan-Ramamurthy and Ilayaraja in the south. They are with retro effect neighbourhood boyz of the nondescript past.

But an award is an award is an award, especially when it is given repeatedly by our erstwhile colonial masters, and especially when we are still under the complete sway of everything Western. Given this state of affairs, I humbly make the following proposals.

Jai Ho as India’s anthem

As ‘Jai Ho’ has won the approval and applause from the west like no Indian song in all Indian history, and as we always look up to the West – we did not mind having an Italian as PM, only the Italian was good enough to pull back – we should make Jai Ho the anthem of India. The dance movements for the song were extraordinarily pleasing, and could be declared as one of the national dances of India, taking precedence over old forms like Kathak, Bharatanatyam, Odissi and the like.

Slumdog, most momentous

One must not forget that Slumdog Millionaire has been instrumental in bringing Oscars for the first time to an Indian artiste, and so one must acknowledge it as the most momentous film ever made in India, and throw out into the recycle bin the old represented by films like Pather Panchali and Pyaasa, Do Bigha Zamin and Devatha, Mughale Azam and Meghe Dhaka Thara. This is the symbolism we get from the life-time Oscar given to a dying Satyajit Ray. Kick out the past, and kick in the future…Make Michael Jackson and A.R. Rahman the musical and cinematic icon of the new superpower India. Pepsi, Coke and ARR ki Jai Ho.

Festival a la Tansen and Thyagaraja

In this context, we must also take care to institutionalize these glorious moments for posterity. Just as the present-day classical musicians in India celebrate the day of Thyagaraja in the south, and Tansen and Haridas in the North, we must also celebrate this new Grammy. It signifies the emergence of Indian (!) music in the world scenario (please discount the groping efforts of Ali Akbar Khan, Ravishanker and others in this regard). We must organize a yearly festival at a great location to record Rahman’s phenomenal service to Indian music.

David Boil should inaugurate the first fest, and it should be attended by Oscar and Grammy committee members, agents, promoters, and worthies of our English channels. The English language press can also be given free delegate passes to the function, which should have Rekha Sawant dancing to Jai Ho along with reality show king Rahul Mahajan and US returned beautician Nooria Haveliwala (who gave a new dimension to drunken driving by allegedly drinking during driving). The latter two will be doing their own jigs. This festival should be held annually with religious zeal with junkies dancing to more ARR anthems even greater than Jai Ho.

Song to Tamil Mother like Jai Ho

The progressive Chief Minister of Tamil Nadu, Mr. Karunanidhi has shown the way by roping in Oscar and Grammy Rahman to compose the music for his own Tamil song commemorating the ‘Classical Tamil’ conference. He should also think about getting a newer version of music for the Tamizh Thaai Vaazhthu. That would fire the imagination of the youth. We can also think of officially adopting his spunky tunes for Jana Gana Mana and Vande Mataram. All this will take India nearer to the West…which is best. Let us all pray in silence that all this should happen. We can even invoke the example of Beyonce, who has grabbed six awards in one night. Think of a woman Rahman three times more powerful than him. Wow…Phenomenal. Jai Ho to all the Millionaires…Jai Who to all the Slumdogs of the world!

Cops & Roll, Sacred & Scared, A Tale of 3 Idiots

Much muck is being raked after Bombay police bigwigs danced with dons….The grapevine has it that they were rocking in such proximity, that after some time, the dons began to think they were cops and cops vice versa. Anyway, most of the time the public too cannot find out the difference.

You can’t expect cops who are all the time thinking of gangsters not to jive with them. Of course only some very good cops become exactly like criminals. That is not given to all. But one must understand that one becomes what one meditates upon (the monistic philosophers in India called it the example of the bee and the worm…wherein the worm becomes just like the bee which keeps stinging it…No disrespect mean by the analogy…to the worm I mean).

Even the demons of old, who were despatched by one avatar or other, ultimately reached the lord’s abode (they originally were from there anyway). So please don’t make much of cops and criminals in embrace. Do you expect a cop who knows about this new year bash set up by the number one don to skip it. Is it not his duty to keep an eye on criminals, if need be by dancing with them! Then next thing you will want cops to do is share a drink with politicians, actors or godmen. Even then tongues will not stop wagging. Its not a cops life anymore, it a dog’s

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The Sacred Heart school people in Chandigarh, who many years ago showed the door to poor Ruchika, are now being hard put to explain why they did what they did.

A spokesman Father Thomas is making a mess of things covering up Adam’s anatomy with straw and garbage. According to him, non-payment of fees for six months led to Ruchika’s termination. The outstanding amount was Rs. 30.

See how easy the school was on the pockets of parents. It is crookedness on the part of the media not to appreciate this great service that the sacred heart is rendering to the cause of education. Just for the lost case of a single girl, that too dead, the media is besmirching the reputation of such a great, cheap! school.

Fr. Dominic, the media savvy priest, has attempted damage control by agreeing that the school could have made a mistake. But why should a school dedicated to education and if possible proselytisation pick up a fight with a powerful cop. Has it not named itself sacred heart? Does it not have a right to its priorities! Does anybody want it to be scared heart?

And look at it from another point of view. Cop Rathore had his own daughter studying in the same school. What the hell. Think of her rights. That she will not have somebody trying to molest her is another matter altogether. But does Rathore’s daugther not have a right to study in a clean atmosphere wherein she will not need to rub shoulders with a co-student who was allegedly molested by her dear father.

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Will the real 3 idiots stand up?

It is a win win situation for all concerned, original novel writer Chetan Bhagat, actor Aamir Khan, and producer Vidhu Vinod Chopra and his team…..and ultimately it is the public who are going to draw a nought from all this thunder and lightning.

Bhagat is getting the credit that was denied to him by the filmmakers through exposure in the media…the filmmakers are raking in the moolah from the box office.

Film is an eclectic medium and it borrows right, left and centre, most of the time bothering only about its copying rights.

The film makers have the last laugh plundering literature and poetry; and in the common man’s view the original writer may well be the plagiarist as his work is the last to be known!

If Chetan Bhagat did a Vikas Swaroop who renamed his novel Q & A after the success of ‘Slumdog Millionaire’, he should re-christen his Five Point Someone as 3 idiots, at least in India. That way he could pull a fast one on the celluloid threesome…and give them a bit of their own medicine.

In the meantime, Vidhu Vinod Chopra’s mercurial performance of shouting ‘Shut up’ to a journo and then making a tearful apology, is said to have won him great TRPs. He is said to be seriously thinking of a film with himself in the lead role. The title of the film will be, ‘One Idiot, at a Time’. It is likely that Aamir Khan will direct this film starring his producer.